A Heartfelt Plea
How A Positive Attitude Will Help Your Marriage Succeed
Head of Central Executive Committee of Dawat-e-Islami, Mawlana Muhammad Imran Attari
Some time ago, a person shared his household issues with me. I advised him, urging him to relook at his circumstances through the lens of gratitude. I asked him to consider the following example: if a host of problems was added to those he was currently facing and his worries worsened as a result, what could he do to remedy this? I also asked him to imagine life if his problems were much worse.
I spoke to him for around twenty minutes, and he responded with positive feedback for the next two days. Simply by focusing on and being grateful for the many positives in his marriage, as opposed to dwelling on the negatives, he found peace. Although the problems may not have vanished, he was able to find comfort and reassurance. His heart and mind were at rest. Seeing the impact of my humble advice, I decided to share it with as many people as possible. Who knows, others may benefit from it.
If problems arise at home, leaving you worried, then I request you to think: what if an even bigger issue or problem was in its place instead? Keeping this in mind, try to ignore issues which Islam allows you to overlook, and strive to find the good in everything. It is exceedingly rare for a person to be totally void of any good characteristics. Every person has some good qualities, even if a few. You simply need to look for them.
For example, the husband may feel upset or annoyed because his wife cannot cook, avoids her share of household responsibilities, or neglects her husband. Yet, not all is lost. He can find peace if he reframes this negative situation by concentrating on the wife’s strengths and positive qualities. He should think to himself: Despite her shortcomings, at least she is polite and well-mannered. It does not matter that she cannot cook because her words are always sweet. She does not hurt others with her words, she knows how to smile, and she nurtures the children with full care.
Would you rather be married to someone who is an amazing cook but has a vile mouth? If that was the case, what would you do? She would keep you in doubt your entire life; mention your shortcomings to everyone; disclose your personal matters to others; and cause rifts in the family. If she was like this, then what would you do? You can buy food from outside, but how would you deal with these things? So be grateful and shift your focus to the aspects of life that bring you joy and peace.
Everything I have mentioned is from the teachings of our beloved faith. The Final Prophet of Allah صَلَّى الـلّٰـهُ عَلَيْهِ وَاٰلِهٖ وَسَلَّم said, “No believing man should hold animosity towards his believing wife. If he dislikes any characteristic of hers, he will be pleased with another.” Meaning, all her habits will not be bad. If there are both good and bad things, then the man should not only focus on the bad traits but overlook the bad and look towards her good qualities.
Mufti Ahmad Yar Khan Na’eemi رَحْمَةُ الـلّٰـهِ عَـلَيْـه writes the following under this Hadith:
This is a most beautiful teaching. The purport is that it is impossible to find a wife who does not have any flaws, therefore, even if the wife has a few shortcomings, a person should tolerate them as she will have some good traits too. ˹The author of˺ Mirqāt mentions: “The one who seeks a flawless companion will remain companionless in the world. We have countless flaws ourselves. Overlook the flaws of your dear friend and focus on the good. However, try to rectify them; only the Messenger of Allah صَلَّى الـلّٰـهُ عَلَيْهِ وَاٰلِهٖ وَسَلَّم is faultless.”
Imam Ahmad Raza Khan رَحْمَةُ الـلّٰـهِ عَـلَيْـه was asked about a disrespectful and disobedient woman, on account of which her husband wishes to divorce her. Imam Ahmad Raza Khan رَحْمَةُ الـلّٰـهِ عَـلَيْـه issued an edict and advised the husband:
If he divorces his wife and does not wish to marry again, then that is fine. Otherwise, how does he know that the second wife will not be worse ˹than the first˺? So he must try his utmost to gain her obedience by treating her well, bringing joy to her heart, pleasing her, and being patient in the face of her rudeness.
Then we turn to the husband. The usual complaints against a husband revolve around his financial shortcomings and turbulent mood swings. I concede that it is difficult to live with such a man, but once again, the wife should reframe this situation by focusing on the husband’s positives such as: he is not constantly paranoid about his wife, does not physically or emotionally abuse her, or treat her like a maid. Adding to this, as long as it is not Islamically binding on him, he does not disclose her shortcomings to others, he does not make accusations against her, he does not shame her in front of their children and other family members, and he does not take her before his friends without hijab.
If the wife starts thinking positively, she will find many positive traits in her husband, and that will make her grateful. If Allah Almighty wills, she will be pleased with her current situation. It is my heartfelt plea to every husband and wife that you look for the good in each other. Allah willing, you will come across many opportunities to be grateful, and you will bask in peace.
May Allah Almighty enable us to do what pleases Him.
اٰمِیْن بِجَاہِ النَّبِیِّ الْاَمِیْن صَلَّی اللہ تَعَالٰی عَلَیْہِ وَاٰلہٖ وَسَلَّم